…………..waiting, hoping, excitement, uneasy, fear, pain, heartache, anger, wondering, dead inside….these are words that I have used to try and explain to others the rollercoaster of how our journey to bring life into the world started. These are not the words I grew up hearing to describe having a baby or getting pregnant. To the point my 8th grade health teacher told every student we didn’t pass his class officially until you had a baby one day.. What he and the world fails to teach is that getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and having a healthy pregnancy is Not a given and not Always easy.
Our first ride on this infertility rollercoaster lasted just under five years and has forever changed who I am as a person or has it? I have wondered over the last month after our latest ride took a downward spiral again with heartache, pain, and questions that will never have answers. If in some way my experience in childhood/ young adult prepared me for this ride at least in a small way. The family friends who didn’t have a baby and then had two with in a few years of each other, my dads softball teammate and his wife who had a baby and you are told only to touch the babies feet, babysitting for a family that who had one child and a kitchen wall with small figures representing the babies they had lost, and babysitting for a couple who adopted two amazing kids. These are just a few ways infertility impacted my life before I knew my husband and I had a ticket for the rollercoaster infertility had in store for us.
We have received three tickets that have allowed us to see the amazing breathtaking sight of our babies heart beats. One of those little heart beats has run our house for just under five years. Our other two miracles fly above us watching over us each with their own story that leave us with questions and unknowns . We have also had the heartache of rides that seem to be climbing and then plummet down into the dark abyss.
All of our rollercoasters are not the same and each ride has it’s own unique track but what I have found is that each of us can shine a light as we pass one another to help us not feel so alone as we put on our brave face and hold on for the ride hope for that golden ticket.
-Bethany and Thatcher Peterson